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| I'm in trouble |
| 04.01.04 (9:15 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]It seems to follow me wherever I go.
It's fun.[/u][/i][/b]
I got into pit-fighting recently. Fun occupation, really. Maybe I'll take it up seriously soon.
Or not.
Kai surprised the hell outta me last night. I'd only just logged onto AIM when she text-glomped me.
I ain't gonna lie, my mind became one BIIIIIIG blank.
I broke down and just let everything out, told her everything I could think to tell. My pain just.....disappeared while I was talking to her.
I hope Kuri can forgive me.
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| How can one person feel so much? |
| 03.20.04 (9:24 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all do!
I just happen to feel one emotion at a time, but in extremely large amounts.[/i][/u][/b]
Got bitched at by Laney again. The whole world's come crashing down, oh my. She dumped ANOTHER boyfriend and got depressed about it. Again.
Jaimie, depressed over Mike. So she takes it out on me, as usual.
Stacey, bad day at work, so she takes it out on me.
Mom, same thing.
Why am I not used to women walking all over me like I'm so sort of...target for the female wrath? I mean, even STEPHANIE manages to hit me on average of about three times a day. Not including weekends, but she makes up for that on Monday and Friday.
And Kuri....
Well, I'm glad she's happy with Suzaku. That's all I have to say.
Been readin' more 'fics. It's gettin' worse. I'm startin' to wonder exactly when the stress is gonna do me in. Probably sometime in the next four weeks, if Dad doesn't stop his bullshit about custody and money.
Chrono Cross is keepin' my mind occupied for a bit. But......
Why do I feel like a huge piece of my heart is being torn out of my inch by inch, day by day?
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| ...... |
| 03.20.04 (6:33 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b].......[/u][/i][/b]
Bored. Just plain mutherfokkin' bored.
Are you bored? I'm bored, too.
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| *sighs* |
| 03.18.04 (4:22 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Yep. I've been buried six feet under.[/u][/i][/b]
Lessee....
Never fails. Life starts goin' right on track for a while, then something derails it.
I've been grounded for at LEAST two weeks, Mom's on a psycho rampage at me an' laney, Jaimie's depressed and for some reason, I'd rather have my right arm severed and fed to me than see her cry again, I haven't spoken to Dani in what FEELS like years, and Stephy's going on tangent after tangent about manga care. So i have ONE thing to ask:
Why me?
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| SPLURGE!!!!! |
| 03.16.04 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Time has come for a knight to fight.
.....
Fight the ever-present demon known as THE LAUNDRY of course!!!![/i][/u][/b]
I'm bored. I got cash. And I'm gettin' some drawings scanned within the week for my fanfic. So, yeah....I got nuthin' to do. A certain girl I am VERY in love with is kinda....not gonna be able to see me outside of school for like...ever. Sorry, Stephy.
Also.......*gets clocked again* Ever since yesterday, fights have been looking for ME. Seriously, I spend two years lookin' for 'em....and suddenly, when I wanna calm down, they search for ME.
Gotta go.
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| Blargh |
| 03.15.04 (2:32 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]ORO?!?!?![/i][/u ][/b]
I need some pain killers. Lots and lots of 'em.....
*clutches my head and arm* Fights....one in homeroom, three after school. It HURTS!!!!
Of course, the crowbar may have had something to do with that. I think I can safely say I pissed Jack O. M. Schock off....royally. *limps*
Mom and I had a long talk today. And I STILL didn't get to say what I needed to. She's all "I'm alone, now" thing. She doesn't know that I'm gonna be there always? Even if she disowns me, beats me, and hurls me into a wall of spikes? Mind you, that WOULD be REALLY FUCKIN' PAINFUL. Not to mention LETHAL. But still.
Damnit. Gotta go.
Blood on the keyboard. I hate a busted lip...so bad.....
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| *sighs and starts melting down a block of silver* |
| 03.13.04 (7:37 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]There's an heirloom I used to wield every day in memory of my parents' love for each other.
But things change. Things change. Even heirlooms.[/i][/u][/b]
It finally happened. My banishment was made final. I guess Mom and Dad both just gave up on me.
I was wielding Alaris, training in my evening kata....when it happened.
The hilt just burned my hand so badly, it felt like my hand had become the hot iron I leave in the fire every day for heat training.
My own sword. A gift to me from the souls of my parents.....tried to kill me after violently burning me. So they really do hate me.
It used to glow, silver and caring. When Alaris was in kitten form, it was so cuddly. Now, the blade's a blood red, jagged and evil-looking. And HE came out of it. My own sword....no, now its HIS sword.
Alaris now belongs to BLEED. And he didn't even try to kill me. He just picked up Alaris, turned away from me, and said 'Compliments to your mother. The sword's mine now. It's named Ralari. Alaris is dead. Like you.'. Then he left, laughing, heading for Mom's personal grove or whatever. I'm doing nothing to help or hinder him. Mom'd just bitch at me for tryin' to help anyway. I may disapprove of him kickin' her when she's down.....but, after what I've gone through because of her, after all the blame she's shoveled onto me just because she and Dad shared the sack and made me n' my sister.......she probably deserves it. But you know what?
My life goes on.
I just hope Kaylee doesn't roll over in her grave next to Kai Anne.
And I'm just waiting to hear a high-pitched scream yell for me to help her. That way, wearing headphones and listening to hard rock and heavy metal all night'll be justified.
G'night. I gotta go make a new sword.
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| Urgh |
| 03.13.04 (7:56 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Blood's supposed to be thicker than water.
So why does my whole family see me as a plague?[/i][/u][/b]
Been a little while since Mom pretty much said she hated me because I'm the only reminder of a past she hates.
How the hell do you tell your own SON you hate him? I can't understand it. Even if my son were the most.....evil child on earth, I'd still love him. All I know is my mom hates me because I'm half her and half dad, the two people she hates most. Well, next to me, apparently. She obviously doesn't hate herself as much as she hates me, as she's never threatened to kill herself around me. Or dad, for that matter. Hell, she never even thinks about Dad. Now......every day at school, it's "I wish you'd die," or "I wish you'd go away!".
Why does all the bad shit happen to me?
Dad's all but tried to KILL me. Hell, I'm still alive just 'cuz I'm better at knife fighting. Or fighting in general. Ever since then, I've pretty much tried to seal myself away from everything. I wanna live in peace. But Mom and Shawn and everybody won't let me.
*sighs* Gotta admit, though. All this shit, except the Mom situation, is kinda fun. Keeps me occupied.
..........I'm not gonna cry. I swore days ago that I'm never going to cry again. Crying is for stupid idiots who gave everything they had to a person who didn't love them.
Like I said. I'm never going to cry. EVER. AGAIN.
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| What the hell is wrong with me? |
| 03.12.04 (4:43 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]From This Moment On.....
I will live my life to the best I can.[/i][/u][/b]
Yeah, i was on depressants last post. And none of 'em were alcohol or pills.
I decided to shape things up. Now I'm having fun at lunch every day (though I do NOT eat the smoking rubber they call "meatloaf"), and my training has picked up its pace. I'm learning meditation now, so i can push all my bad chi away and focus on the good chi. It's relaxing....
Gah, i gotta stop listening to love songs. I'm gettin' goo-goo eyes from lotsa girls on the bus. Geez, i hate city buses. Gotta go.....it's my stop.
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| I wish....for it to end. |
| 03.07.04 (7:48 pm) [edit] |
[i][b][u]No one but me can save myself but it's too late.
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.
Yesterday seems as though it never existed.
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.....
BYE!!!!!![/i][/b][/u]
Metallica. Gotta love 'em. Wish I had 'Wherever I May Roam".....
Heh. I want it all to end so badly. Cat n' Stephy 're driving me insane. Kuri....Kuri damn near killed me last week. Jaimie....won't let the past die. I tried burying the hatchet, but she insists on digging it back up and burying it in my skull.
Got a few new levels on Dynasty Warriors 4 today. Ron gave me a hand, even though his controller wouldn't work, so he just sat by and told me how to get items and junk.
All I've been thinking about lately is that new katana in our garage. I wonder what death is like. I've never really DIED......just....stopped living for a while. And now my fear of death is gone. I'm just afraid....of hurting somebody. But that won't keep me here too long.
heh....I can hear Jaimie now. "Yes, he's finally gonna DIE!! He's gonna go to hell at last!!!"
Well.....I agree. Maybe Hell will get me. Maybe I'll get stuck in purgatory. Or maybe God'll send me right back, telling me to try again.
Oh, please.....help me. I can't stop it.
I'm still in love with her. Why can't I stop? Why won't ANYTHING stop hurting?!?! Why do I have to have a heart at all?
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like.......to be the sword instead of the swordsman....but then, i could never really die....
And that would hurt most of all. Now, I want it all to end. Slowly, quickly, I don't care. I wish Jaimie's mom would follow through on what Jaimie says she wants to do....
And kill me.
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| Just..... |
| 03.02.04 (1:36 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]All I want.....
Is for you to leave me the hell alone.[/i][/b][/u]
I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night,
Shining with the light from the sun.
The sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming
The moon's gonna owe it one.
It makes me of how you act with me
You do favors that you just rapidly
You turn around and start askin' me
About things you want back from me.
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this.
Find another place to feed your greed,
While I find a place to rest!
I wanna be in another place,
I hate when you say you don't understand!
I wanna be in the energy,
Now at the end, I need a place for my head!
Maybe some day I'll be just like you and
Step on people like you do.
And run away all the people I thought I knew.
I remember back then who you were.
You used to be calm, used to be strong,
Used to be generous.
But you shoulda known
That you'd wear out your welcome.
And now you see how quiet it is all alone.
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this.
Find another place to feed your greed,
While I find a place to rest!
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this.
Find another place to feed your greed,
While I find a place to rest!
I wanna be in another place,
I hate when you say you don't understand!
I wanna be in the energy,
Now at the end, I need a place for my head!
You tried to take the best of me, go away.
You tried to take the best of me, go away.
You tried to take the best of me, go away.
You tried to take the best of me, GO AWAY!!
YOU TRIED TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME, GO AWAY!!!
YOU TRIED TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME, GO AWAY!!!
YOU TRIED TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME, GO AWAY!!!
YOU TRIED TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME, [b]GO AWAY[/b]!!!
I wanna be in another place,
I hate when you say you don't understand!
I wanna be in the energy,
Now at the end, I need a place for my head!
SHUT!!!!
UP!!!!
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this.
Find another place to feed your greed,
While I find a place to rest!
I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this.
Find another place to feed your greed,
While I find a place to [b]REST[/b]!!!!!
-Linkin Park, A Place for My Head.
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| ...... |
| 02.27.04 (1:26 pm) [edit] |
[color=teal][i][b][u]It hurts so much....it really, really hurts......[/i][/u][/b]
*cries.......just cries and cries and cries*
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| Ouch.... |
| 02.15.04 (5:50 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]It caught up with me...
That "oncoming truck" turned out to be a suddenly-stopped SUV....[/i][/u][/b]
Yeah. I was in a car accident again. This time, nobody got hurt. And yes, I can hear Jaimie actually going "Aw, damn! Why couldn't YOU have died?". As a matter of fact, a whole bunch of people I know have proven how much I'm worth to them already. Oh, well, at least i know where everybody stands now.
Anywho, nothin' much has happened 'cept for that. Dani, Kuri, and Stephy have all shown true concern for me since the accident. I managed to beat Tony Hawk's Underground with Aris. *grins* My Drow is awesome!!! Also, I got pretty far on the Sonic and Tails files for Sonic Adventure DX. Nex' weekend, Mick goes to Pheonix.....again. Monday after next, I oughta get my ear pierced and get a cross stud. Yeah. that's pretty much it, I guess. Bye.....
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| Kohaku, help me..... |
| 02.13.04 (4:05 pm) [edit] |
[i][b][u]One time, I found myself praying to God to get me out of his mess.
I should have been praying harder....[/i][/b][/u]
Yeah, I'm asking a manga deity for help. An incredibly klutzy one, at that. Why? Because....she's Kohaku.
Really, truthfully, I need to get out of here. It's driving me insane. Mom talks about Florida and her friend Alisa. Dad's slamming, or at least trying to, me with a major guilt trip about where my loyalties lay. Guess what, Pop! MY LOYALTIES LAY WITH MY TRUE LOVE AND MY FRIENDS!!!!
To my love goes my heart and all attached to it. Even though I don't talk to her as much as I'd love to, she and I are still close. I pray I can hold her very soon. Which, as my mom says, may just happen. I just hope I can be better for her than I have been for my family. Aishiteru, my sweet one.
To Mickey: Mano, you are the BEST friend any guy could ever ask for. You've been there for me, especially when Jaimie left me hangin'. Damn, have I been a sucker, or what? I hope, bro, for BOTH our sakes that somebody can be yours soon. There is somebody, but it takes a little time for every guy to find her. After all, it'd only be fair for me to say that you deserve it much more than I do. As for me.....Mick, I think I've found the one that's gonna stay with me for all of time. No. I KNOW it. Good luck, bro.
To Corey: Damn, man, I'm sorry about everything that's happened recently, but hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Yeah, I oughta be the world's strongest man by now, then, but I admit it, I'm not a Saiyan. But bro, seriously, always been here, always will be. Take care of yourself. We're all watchin; your back.
To Ron: You're a nutcase, plain and simple. I hope your troubles with Jen tide over, but.....hey, we all need a little insanity. Like Bruce said, we're all part of a big cookie. We're the chocolate chips of life.....and you're one of the nuts thrown in. Just kiddin', guy. Honestly, you make life interesting. Thanks.
To Dani: Sis, chill out. Honestly, you gotta just see the good in life. Just freakin' look at all of the good you've done. THEN look at the bad, and tell me you're not a psycho. Sis, I hope you and Robert have fun livin'. Love ya, sis.
To Barret: Samohung, student good have you been. lol. Seriously, Samo, you and I gotta get together more often. I got a few more things to teach you about aggression in games, and a bit I need to learn about the Three Kingdoms. Ok, I admit it, a LOT more. Still, Samo, you have been an awesome friend.
To Jaimie: GO TO HELL AND ROT THERE!!!! I"VE TRIED LEAVIN' YOU ALONE!!! LET IT FUCKIN' DROP ALREADY!! OR DO YOU HATE THAT I'VE MOVED ON?!?! DO YOU HONESTLY DESPISE THE THOUGHT OF MY HEART ENTWINED WITH ANOTHER'S?!?! THAT'S CALLED JEALOUSY AND OBSESSION!! LEAVE ME THE FLYIN' FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!
To my younger readers: I apologize for the language. Jaimie is an ex that refuses to let me live in peace. I am making peace with a mistake which has turned my life into something better. A life without HER. Again, I apologize. to everyone except Jaimie. She can go to Hell.
As a side note to a certain someone who knows who she is:Your precious little Kale is dead to you, now. I have no mother. I go by Kitsune, now.
AND to be happier with the results.......
Everyone, listen to a VERY excellent song to perk you right up. Bryan Adams "Summer of '69" or "Everything I Do".
Another pair of good choices is Phill Collins "You'll be in my Heart" and Bryan Adams, Sting, and Rod Stewart "All For Love". Yeah, I have an affinity for romance songs....which tie in well for reading manga. ^_^=
TRADEMARK SMILEY!!! NO TAKEY!!!!!! STARWIND-SCAR SMILEY MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
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| *sighs* |
| 02.12.04 (4:42 am) [edit] |
[i][b][u]It's one thing to change the world, or to take something.
It's another thing entirely to watch your whole world change and take everything away from you while you can do NOTHING to stem it.[/i][/u][/b]
Everything's so.....messed up right now. I've got more abuse coming in from my family. My older sister actually BEAT me to the ground the other day. Mom insists that I have to do just about every chore known to man and this household. Dad's trying to give me a guilt trip about not going to his house, where'd I'd get beaten even MORE. Dani 'n Stephy.... they just....seem to be drifting away from me. Kuri-chan's MILES away.......*sighs*
Life's been throwing me lemons, but now, they've decided to pelt me with large rocks. I feel like I'm getting cold inside.
As a side note, yesterday, I ate a whole buncha chinese food without gaining any weight whatsoever! GO METABOLISM!!!!!!!
Shit....now I'm cheery:shock:......COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
Anyway, have a nice day. Thing're gonna get better!
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| Confused..... |
| 02.10.04 (2:18 pm) [edit] |
[b][u][i]It's a wonder how magic permeates the air around me.
...
No. There is no such thing as humanity. Just mortality.[/b][/u][/i]
Luel and Luka....alchemist and dark wizard.
Refinement and Virility.
Under the Glass Moon....a provocative, hilarious, and deep manga.
It hit me.
While I was in class, it came to me. there is no such thing as humanity. Just a finite period of time allotted to each of us magical beings called humans have to make a difference. Mortality.
I'm losing everyone that ever mattered to me. My parents are already so far from me that I couldn't get further away unless I hopped a shuttle to Pluto. Jaimie.....I do NOT want to go there. Stephanie? Read her blog. Robin? Haven't spoken to her in ages, and a month ago I got an e-mail from her saying she was gonna disappear for a long time. Shawn, Michael, Brian, and Brandon? I doubt they'll lift a finger to help me when I need it. Laney? Yeah right. Billy? To absorbed in games to tell what's reality and what's not. Stacey? Probably HELP whatever's gnawing away at me. Dani? Another place I do NOT want to go.
Kuri.....I really don't know her well enough......but I hope to God she and a few of my other friends, like Mickey, Corey, Ron, and Barret, stay by my side. I kind of hoped a few of the ones above would stay....but something keeps them distant. I knew I wouldn't be a person that made TRUE friends in a decent amount. Just a lot of backstabbers and good-time pals.....
*sighs* I wonder if anything life throws at me could make me feel worse. Not likely. But....I hope things get better.
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| Well.... |
| 02.09.04 (5:46 am) [edit] |
[b][i][u]Broken glasses, broken heart, and broken wings.
Maybe I oughta see a repair shop before something else fails....[/u][/b][/i]
Yeah, I broke my glasses the other day. Kuri's a helluva saint, keeping me sane while I'm at home...where my most hellish choas reigns. Jaimie was at the military ball on Saturday. We shared one dance....and it made us both want to cry. I guess there really is no outrunning the past.
I thought I'd gotten over it....but touching her made me feel.....sick. It made me angry, sad, lost, depressed and hopeful. I mean....she betrayed me when I was most vulnerable and now....now I just want to live my life. Mom says I could be going to Michigan for summer to scout schools and colleges just in case we move there soon, so....
Well.....I gotta say this...
I thought my life couldn't get worse on Saturday. But I was wrong.
I need you so much, sweetheart. I need you more than ever.....*cries, waiting for a pair of welcoming arms and a loving smile*
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| Gotta go fast! |
| 02.06.04 (3:17 pm) [edit] |
[i][b][u]...Sonic is in the lead, giving us greater speed.
Tails keeps us flyin' high to stave off trouble!
And Knuckles by our side makes this a safer ride!
We'll save the day and teach that Eggman a lesson![/i][/b][/u]
Once again, I'm high on Sonic. It must be this thing I have with goin' fast. Sure, I'm strong enough. Hell, i can lift Dani....^_^V
But really...I like moving fast. I mean, REALLY fast. Then again...there's this thing I have about chili-dogs.
CHILI-DOGS!!!!!!!!! I LOVE CHILI-DOOOOOOGSSSSSSSSSS! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*takes a breath* And there's something else. I dislike racing games, as if moving slowly while watching a game move so fast hurts. And it DOES. So i stick to games like action and RPG.
Anyway, I love you all, my public! *dashes away with a chili-dog in each hand and three in my mouth*
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| What's a boy supposed to do? |
| 02.04.04 (6:50 pm) [edit] |
[b][u][i]When you see something you shouldn't, why is there a rush of pure exhiliration?
But my forbidden image.....nearly killed me. And I liked it.....[/i][/u][/b]
I haven't stopped crying since I got home. I saw her body, I saw her slim form. It's engraved into my memory, so that I can never forget what she looked like. It's been there for a while, but now it pops up every single inopportune time. And it HURTS.
Off the subject, though.
I missed Kuri, today, but she logged on in the middle of blogging. she's helping me with some really tough times. My parents are worse than ever......Jack and Judy seriously need some fuckin' Prozac. I mean, really. I am not just some number, I am a human being. Ugh...stormin' outside. I wish I were out there....I like the rain. I love how it feels running through my hair and down my skin. Well, I gotta go everybody. Typing sickness.....*grins*
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| Pain...again |
| 02.02.04 (5:53 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Somehow, someway, I can feel impending pain....
It might be the eighteen-wheeler barrelling down the road towards me.....[/i][/u][/b]
Yeah. It hurts. Knowing there's something coming at you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
I'll just have to move on. I'm sorry, everyone, I'll stay in touch....but I'm moving to Michigan when I get old enough. Maybe some of you'll come with me, most likely not. I'll still drop in. Hopefully every four-day weekend. But I have to do it. I have a promise to keep. And I know it'll hurt a bunch of people. I'm sorry. It's closer than Japan......so it won't be quite so bad.
All of my friends are counting on me. I have to become the best person I can be. Which means I have to go abroad, I have to expand my horizons. Thanks to a friend of mine, Amanda, I've gotten on some sites about colleges....yeah, I'm planning my future now. What better time than the present?
It will hurt some people I know. But it'll heal me. it'll get me away from this....this farce people call a family. My parents fighting over me for a few zeroes on a check....my siblings trying to fight me for fun.....the "friends" at school laughing behind my back.....my past catching up with me........it's turning me into something inhuman. I don't have too much time before I go insane, even with the handful of true friends I have keeping me steady and sane.
This hurts me so much, and it will hurt me so much more when I have to make the final decision....
But leaving here....will do me so much good.
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| *sighs* |
| 01.28.04 (10:34 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Ever have one of those days where you don't wanna wake up?
Yep. One of those days.[/i][/u][/b]
Sick again. What the hell is going on, I NEVER get sick!!! Ever!
I got some awesome Sonic pics the other day. Sonic on Sally's arm (they're so cute together....too bad she's crying.) just after he gets back from his little space adventure. Everybody thought he was dead. I got on of Knux and his wife and daughter, Julie-Su and Lara-Su....when did he become a cowboy?!?!
I also got Stephy a diamond necklace that she absolutley loves. I ain't seen her since Monday soooo......
I made a new friend yesterday. Her name's Kuri! She's a really nice person, but she seems to be having problems with friends. Once again, my sense of duty demands I try to help......*sighs*
Oh, yeah, and Dani got in touch with me, too! She's doing fine, aside from bein'.....well....desperate for Robert's sompany. *sighs* Everybody's in some sorta trouble or another, it seems. Ah, well. That's life. Might as well make what ya can with it, or you'll NEVER be happy.
To me, life is a game you can never win. You can hold ALL the cards at some point, but given time, everybody loses. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy, because I guarantee, at some point, you WILL be happy. Right now, I'm holding half the deck with all my friends and family. I'm happy with how I'm playin' the game. And the best part is, this is only the beginning of my turn! I ain't sad I can't win. When my turn's over, I'll be in a grave. But I'll have had my friends and family.
Mickey, Dani, Stephi, Ron, Corey, Barrett, Charles, Chi, Robert, Shawn, Jeremy, Cole, Kuri, Juuthena, Robin, Amber, Anjle, Caroline, Jessica, Amanda, Flynn, Neil, Ashley.........thank you, all of you, for makin' my life.....my turn at this game, fun. After my turn ends, i can't wait for round 2!
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| I always wanted it..... |
| 01.25.04 (5:42 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Has there ever been anything you'd give your life to get or protect?
Well....mine ran away. And got hurt.[/u][/i][/b]
I can't stop crying nowadays. After feeling her pain on Friday....
Now Kai just plain calls me Daddy....Kale and Kaylee both started calling me Daddy again. And it makes me remember everything. Everything I had with her. And I just want to reach out and wipe away her tears like I used to.
I'm sorry I ever let her get hurt, now. I hit my coma and -whammo-, she's hurt and gone and she says she's never coming back. And I just want to help her through it....as if to apologize for my inability to fight my own siblings. I want her to be happy. But i also want her to be with me.
God, i hope both can happen......but if they can't....then I'll make the first one happen. Even if I die trying. i owe her that much.
Because I love her.
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| Life's a loaded pistol and I'm the trigger..... |
| 01.23.04 (11:31 am) [edit] |
[i][u][b]Life gets shitty sometimes....
Okay, life's shitty all the time.[/u][/i][/b]
I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her.
And because of Artem, I've lost her forever. Kale and Kaylee.....John, I mean, and Kaylee.....they're all I have left of my life with her.
Kael's decided he'll be with Stephanie as long as life permits. Kaylee's getting married soon. Kai....Kai's started calling me her daddy. I can't help but cry when she does. This little girl.....she loves me enough to call me her daddy. Even though she's old enough to know that I'm not. Even though she recognizes that I am just her mother's first husband. First "real" husband, anyway.
She'll never give me another chance. Never. Even if her new guy gets in her face and yells at her that the only person that ever, really cared for her and ever would was me. She'd call him a liar, cry, and move on to someone else. Blatantly avoiding me.
*breaks down* I'm so in love with her....it kills me every day to admit it to myself. I love her, I want to be with her. And still, no matter how much I want to be with her, even for a day, she'll just avoid me.
And the worst part is it's [i]not my fault[/i]. I never stopped loving her, I never quit wanting to be her husband. I was nearly killed, and they took her apart.
Now she never wants to be near me again. She practically hates me. And [i]it's not my fault![/i]
I just want her back.....I want to know why.....I want to be with her.....I want to die........eveything's just so painful right now. Why can't she ever give me a chance.
There is nothing that would stand between us again. And I'd make sure she was happy. Albeit some things, like Kale and Kaylee and Kai Anne, would come first. Especially my games. But I'd still love her. I'd love her with everything I could. But it's not enough. She won't even give me a chance.
And it's Not. My. Fault.
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| Why was I cursed with emotions?!?! |
| 01.21.04 (3:02 pm) [edit] |
[i][u][b]They can be a pain, but they are often a blessing.
.....
You're right. They're just a pain.[/i][/u][/b]
I saw her today. Haven't seen much recently. I saw into her eyes...and she was torn apart. Somebody's playing around with her, yanking her by a freakin' chain....and she just yips at his heels like a wolf to a bloody side of beef.
I hate it. She says Kale can do better than Stephanie, she can do better than him. Much better.
And everyday, it kills Kale to see his mother like this. Angry at nothing, refusing to answer some of his lighter questions.
Then, at lunch, she barely gives him any choice about getting food. Always "Kale, we're getting lunch."
My son has been crying at night for so long. I want so badly to make everything right again. I'm awake now....but she still acts as though I'm as helpless as when I was in my tomb. I want to HELP.....but then I want to kill myself.
Why do I feel these things?!?! She's killed me in cold blood before, stabbed me through the heart and laughed at it. Why do I feel so angry when somebody mistreats her? Why do i want her happy so much?!?!
WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE SO SHE WON'T CRY ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
It's my fault she cries.......mine and mine alone. If only I'd been there.....helped her when the others tore her apart and left her for dead....if I could have stopped them.....maybe I'd still have her. Maybe we'd still be together......in my old place. Maybe.....Kale would have longer to live if I'd stayed awake. Maybe Kay and Kai wouldn't be so.....tortured by their brother's pain.
She isn't the only one that tries to hide things. Kale, too, is a failure at hiding things from me. I know that his body fails every day. I know that his breath comes in labored gasps. Poor kid's not even two linear years old and he's already in so much pain, all the deaths in World War 2 would be a pinprick to him. And I can do nothing but pray she can fix it. Nothing but pray that she helps my son out of his hellhole. Pray that she'll find comfort where she always used to. With me.
When things will change for the better.....only God knows. I only hope they all find happiness. Kale with Stephanie, her with whoever, Kay with Rei, and Kai....poor Kai's in love with Kale. I hope she finds someone else......
And I hope I can find happiness, too. She was the only one that made me happy, though. And there is NOBODY else for me. I looked my future up. Nobody else will ever even blink at me.
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| Sunuva ***** |
| 01.19.04 (2:50 pm) [edit] |
[b][i][u]What kind of parent yells at their child when they've done nothing wrong?
Mine.[/b][/u][/i]
Yeah, Jack went nuts again. And I really don't care. Mom's..well...I haven't heard from her since school let out. Stephy's as beautiful as always. ...Jusy...she was asking me....if she moved to Florida....would I like to go with her.
I...I...I can't. Even if it means leaving jack behind for good, I cannot leave Corey, Mickey, and Barrett. Never in a million years would I leave my friends behind.
And Stephanie. If I move away, her five kids won't be MY five kids. No. Sorry, Judy. I'm here to stay...at least until Steph's eighteen. Then everybody else'll be eighteen or nineteen.....or even twenty. And we'll all move away together.
I HATE JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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